TF Tea Cup Championships 2021
In a slight change to the advertised programme, I’m going to do all of the Tea Fancier Tea Cup Championships Quarter Final matches in a single blog post. So hold on to your tea-hats! We’re going to whittle eight teams down to four and it might get intense.
A quick note about the rules of this competition, you will have noticed that I have a sheet of paper where I am recording the results of the Tea Cup Tea Fancier Championship results. This scoresheet was nicked from FourFourTwo, a footballing website, and ever so slightly modified by me whacking some pictures of some tea cups and stuff on it.
Looking at the sheet, it’s evident that if I was going to do this like footballists do, the quarter final matches should be predetermined by who wins the first round matches. I’ve decided to jettison that idea because if I know ahead of time, who’s playing whom I’ll be mentally playing the matches and coming to conclusions about the winners before the tea has been brewed. I’m therefore pulling the names of the first round winners out of the hat-that’s-not-actually-a-hat, so that I’ve got no idea who will be competing against one another until I put the kettle on.
Quarter Final Match 1 – Dorset Sunshine Blend vs Bird & Blend Great British Cuppa
It’s over to the commentary box to introduce our commentators for this competition: Catnip Mouse, Grumpycat Headball and Feathery Sprout.
Catnip Mouse: You join us as we’re about to see Dorset Sunshine Blend play against Bird & Blend Great British Cuppa in this first quarter final match of the 2021 Tea Fancier Tea Cup Championship. Quite a surprise to see Dorset back on the pitch again so soon against their match against Yorkshire the other day.
Grumpycat Headball: Well that’s the luck of the draw for you. They have barely had the chance to shower or change their socks after their recent victory.
Catnip Mouse: So they’re up against Bird & Blend in this round. Bird & Blend won comfortably against Birchall in the first round, how do we rate their chances in this game?
Feathery Sprout: Well they’re playing a strong side no doubt about that.
Catnip Mouse: Play has started and Bird & Blend are putting in a strong defence there with those whole-leaf tea parcels.
Grumpycat Headball: They’re bringing everything they’ve got to this game playing Assam, Ceylon and Yunnan. That’s a goal right there with those flavours.
Feathery Sprout: Back of the net! Get in there!
Grumpycat Headball. I don’t see how Dorset are going to retaliate against that. I mean, they’ve got the Kenyan, Rwandan and Assam players, but they haven’t got the fancy footwork that Bird & Blend have.
Catnip Mouse: Another smooth-tasting goal for Bird & Blend!
Grumpycat Headball: Their tea slips down a treat alright. Dorset are a plucky side but they’ve got that slight tannin taste that is just going to hold them back at this stage in the championships.
Feathery Sprout: The trouble with Dorset Sunshine Blend is they always try and walk it in.
Catnip Mouse: No, that’s Arsenal.
Feathery Sprout: Oh yeah, good point.
Catnip Mouse: Well, there’s no doubt that’s another win for Bird & Blend Great British Cuppa.
Grumpycat Headball: They’re going to be pleased with that result. They put in a great performance.
Feathery Sprout: A disappointing result for Dorset tea, but really when you’re playing at this level, it’s never going to be easy.
Catnip Mouse: Bird & Blend are through to the semi finals. Back to Em in the studio.
Match 1 Winner – Bird & Blend Great British Cuppa
Quarter Final Match 2 – Pukka Elegant English Breakfast vs Brew Tea Co. English Breakfast
The second match sees Pukka Elegant English Breakfast play against Brew Tea Co English Breakfast. Both of these were really nice cups of tea. It was difficult to choose between them. I imagine this is going to be increasingly a problem as this competition goes on. How to choose between two blends when I would be perfectly happy to stock either one in my tea caddy?
Well the way it worked in this particular instance was this: I had two cups of tea made in enormous tea mugs. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to finish both of them. So to begin with, I alternately sipped from each cup, assessing each for flavour, strength smoothness and how generally happy it made me feel. Then when both cups were half full, I had to choose which one of the mugs I was going to finish off. And it turns out, it was Pukka. Those herbmongers really do know how to put together a good breakfast blend.
Slightly off topic but does anyone actually like tags on tea bags? Teamongers often draw attention to the fact that tea is tagged on their marketing blurb, which suggests that it’s considered a desirable feature. Both Pukka and Brew Tea bags in this match came with tags, and quite frankly, I could do without it. Having to negotiate a bit of cardboard on a string does nothing to enhance my tea experience. Not only do I have the stress of potentially ripping the bag when de-sticking the tag from its side (Brew Tea’s tag was quite firmly wedded to the bag) but I invariably end up immersing the bloody thing in the teacup when I pour the water in. Added to that, stirring a cup with a tagged teabag in it results in the string wrapping itself inexorably around the spoon handle. It’s all a headache that I don’t really need in my life. I don’t care about it deeply enough to deduct points for stringy tea bags (and in this case, it wouldn’t have made any difference if I had) but given the choice, I would always prefer my tea bags unadorned.
Still, tagged or not (they are tagged), Pukka goes through to the next round. Any thoughts, commentary team?
Catnip Mouse: A great match that was difficult to call!
Grumpycat Headball: It looked like it could have gone either way for for a while there, for sure.
Catnip Mouse: Indeed. A close run match and Pukka snatched victory by a whisker.
Grumpycat Headball: Aye, and we know all about whiskers here.
Feathery Sprout (quietly): I don’t.
Match 2 Winner – Pukka Elegant English Breakfast
Quarter Final Match 3 – Sainsbury’s Fine Ceylon vs Whittard English Breakfast
Sainsbury’s Ceylon was the only supermarket own brand to be invited to participate in this championship. This is was was in part because – as I mentioned before – I could nick it out of my mum and dad’s tea cupboard but I do actually think that Sainsbury’s make the best own brand tea. Previous experience with Tesco, Aldi and even Marks and Spencer’s own brand teas have been a disappointing affair. I’m sure that there will be a future blog post where I apply some scientific rigour to this theory.
It’s a damn fine cup of tea, that’s for sure. But, well, when it comes to teas that are even more extra-damn and extra-fine, Whittard of Chelsea (Est 1886) ticks all the damn fine boxes. With an aromatic bouquet, a rich flavour and all the comfort of a big warm cuddle, Whittard English Breakfast is a tea I want to curl up with.
Grumpycat Headball: It’s a shame not to see Sainsbury’s go further in this competition. They’re a hard working team, even if they don’t have the glamour of a side like Whittard.
Feathery Sprout: You can’t argue with that goal difference though, can you?
Catnip Mouse: What goal difference is that?
Feathery Sprout: Oh, you know, (gesticulates vaguely with furry sprout leaves,) the one where Whittard did some better goals than Sainsbury’s.
Catnip Mouse: You’re right. You can’t argue with that.
Match 3 Winner – Whittard English Breakfast
Quarter Final Match 4 – English Tea Shop English Breakfast vs Teapigs Everyday Brew
Going to hand you straight over to Catnip Mouse, Feathery Sprout and Grumpycat Headball in the commentary box:
Grumpycat Headball: Let’s not mince words here, English Tea Shop only made it through to the quarter finals because of a below-standard opponent in the first round.
Catnip Mouse: I thought Em specifically said that English Tea Shop was an enjoyable brew in its own right.
Grumpycat Headball: Well, aye, she did say that. But she’s a nicer person than I am.
Feathery Sprout: That’s true.
Catnip Mouse: So how do we think play went in this English Tea Shop versus Teapigs game?
Grumpycat Headball: Oh, it was a walkover right enough. I’m not saying the English Tea Shop English Breakfast isn’t a decent enough brew, but they’re playing with the big boys now.
Feathery Sprout: Don’t you mean the big PIGS? (laughs uproariously for 30 seconds)
Catnip Mouse: …
Grumpycat Headball: …
Catnip Mouse: Anyway, a comfortable win for Teapigs, would you say?
Grumpycat Headball: Aye, if this was some kind of kicking-a-ball-about competition instead of a tea competition, it would be like the Teapigs scoring a goal after four minutes, and then going on to win four nil.
Catnip Mouse: Can you imagine such a thing?
Feathery Sprout: That’d be crazy.
