Their Coming Was Foretold (Probably): Teas of the Zodiac from Bird & Blend

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Bird & Blend – Teas of the Zodiac

Here it is. Bird & Blend’s much anticipated new range of zodiac teas. I say, ‘much anticipated’, I had no idea it was happening until Bird & Blend sent me an email telling me about it. Maybe if I paid more attention to my horoscope, I’d have known it was coming.

With these teas, I feel like I’m in my element. (Ha! Bit of wordplay for the astrology fans there.) Back in my younger, more credulous days, I was really into this sort of thing.

The first magazine article I ever had published was a piece about the magical properties of herbs according to their planetary alignments. This was thirty years ago, but I’m hoping I’ve retained enough knowledge to bring a very specific type of pedantry to these tea reviews. “Mint? For a water sign? Are you crazy?”

Happily, I still have several dog-eared books on magical herbs to help me if I get stuck, complete with handwritten notes in the margin written by my earnest, teenage, witchy self.

Below are my reviews of all twelve of Bird & Blend’s Teas of the Zodiac, starting with Aries, the first sign of the zodiac, and as it happens, my own sun sign. It seems a bit subversive, drinking the teas that are not my sign. Like I should accept the blend that has been astrologically assigned to me and that’s my lot.

I wonder if other people feel like this. Have Bird & Blend created a tea range where only one-twelfth of the population feels like they’re permitted to drink each one? I have compiled a list of all my planetary signs so that I can claim allegiance to as many of these teas as possible. “Sure, I’m an Aries, but my Saturn is in Gemini. So I relate to this tea blend on a spiritual level.”

Let’s crack on, shall we? I’ve listed the twelve astrological signs below, so you can skip to your favourite.

Aries
Taurus
Gemini
Cancer
Leo
Virgo
Libra
Scorpio
Sagittarius
Capricorn
Aquarius
Pisces

Aries Tea

Famous Aries celebrities include Elton John, Mehmed the Conqueror and Em the Tea Fancier. This tea is fine. It’s a perfectly serviceable rooibos blend. It’s got coconut, apple, cinnamon, ginger, rosehip, orange and chilli. The problem is, I’m going to naturally hold this one to a higher standard than the other eleven teas in the box.

This is my tea. This is the tea that someone standing in a Bird & Blend tea shop selecting a present for me based on my date of birth would buy. And it’s not that great. It’s quite forgettable, in fact.

I know I can’t expect Bird & Blend to tailor this tea purely for me based on my own personal whims and preferences. But, you know, I kind of did expect that. I didn’t want a perfunctory mashup of rooibos, coconut and spices. I wanted something that was going to blow my mind.

Taurus Tea

Bird & Blend’s in-house astrologists obviously decided that what Taureans love more than anything else is weeds.

They asked themselves, “Shall we use a delicate Darjeeling grown on the foothills of the Himalayas in India? Or maybe a Chinese Pu-Erh steeped in millennia of tea-growing culture?”

And then they decided, “Nah, bugger it. Let’s go yank up some dandelions and nettles from the end of the garden and call it a day.” So that’s what you’ve got.

It’s made of dandelion roots, nettles, liquorice, fenugreek and chamomile. And it is every bit as disgusting as you would expect. It tastes like watery celery soup that’s been left in a bucket by a compost heap for three months. I have no idea what you Taureans have done to offend Bird & Blend, but it must have been something terrible.

Gemini Tea

Gemini tea contains milk oolong and peppercorns. (As well as some green tea, apple, elderberries and natural flavourings). This counterintuitive creamy and spicy pairing is intended by the teamongers to “reflect the duality” of Gemini’s “multiple perspectives”.

My daughter’s a Gemini. Would I say she has a milky side and a peppery side? Sure, why not?

This tea is quite nice in that smooth, creamy way that milk oolongs are. I can’t taste any spiciness in it at all though. It tastes like a posh strawberry ice cream such as one might purchase at the theatre during the interval for approximately a billion pounds.

Maybe it’s my single-minded Arian nature that prevents me from appreciating the depths of flavour here. I lack the Gemininity to absorb all those multiple perspectives.

Cancer Tea

You know when I accused Aries tea of being a perfunctory rooibos blend? I take it all back. THIS is a perfunctory rooibos blend.

For a start, it contains Bird & Blend’s favourite trio of bung-it-in-everything ingredients, hibiscus rosehip and apple. Honestly, these fellows have never met a tea blend they haven’t wanted to bang those three things in.

Fair enough, this brew’s got some strawberries in it as well. But the more I sip it, the more I’m convinced that I’ve had this exact same tea before from Bird & Blend under a different name.

It claims to be a “hug in a mug” to celebrate Cancer’s “caring nature”, but it’s really not indulgent enough for that. Why not bung some vanilla in? Or chocolate? Or sprinkles?

If you want to give the least fortunately named members of the Zodiac a treat, I reckon you could do better than this.

Leo Tea

In my last Zodiac tea review, I suggested that Cancer’s lacklustre blend ought to have had chocolate and sprinkles in it. Well, knock me down and called me Nigel, Leo tea has totally come up with the goods in that regard. I mean, sure, it’s a herbally not-tea, but it made me happy nonetheless.

The full list of ingredients is apple, cocoa shells, rosehip, hibiscus, hawthorn, orange peel, sprinkles, chilli, safflower and natural flavouring. Orange and chilli are taking up way more than their fair share of the attention here which is fine by me. The chocolatiness is subtle but it’s definitely there.

It does include the Bird & Blend trio of apple, rosehip and hibiscus, of course. And yes, I’m going to mention it every time it happens because it’s beginning to annoy me but happily, they are completely overpowered by all the super-spicy citrusiness going on.

Despite being a fruity tisane without a whiff of Camelia Sinensis, this Leo tea is my favourite so far. Although, to be fair, by this stage in the proceedings, my bar for nice Zodiac blends is pretty low.

Still, if you are going to make a hipster, hot squash. potpourri-in-a-cup type brew, I reckon bunging a ton of chilli and some cocoa shells in it is the right way to go.

Virgo Tea

Virgo tea contains rooibos, cinnamon, turmeric, coconut and ashwagandha. What is it about turmeric and tea blends? I mean sure it may come with a bunch of supposed health benefits, but I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn when I say that nobody is drinking turmeric for fun.

It sounds a bit harsh when I’m so welcoming towards everything else on the spice rack. Give me a brew with cinnamon or ginger or cardamom or chilli or even black pepper, and I’m all “Hey, guys! Come in! Let’s party!”

But I just want to stop turmeric at the door like some kind of tea bouncer. “Sorry, mate. Your name’s not on the list. Go back to your biryanis and khichdi.

Bird & Blend claim that this tea is “just as caring, selfless and driven” as Virgoans themselves. I’m not sure how a tea can be selfless and driven, mind you. ‘Caring’ is pushing it, but I’ll let that one pass. due to possible tea-type health benefits.

I’m noticing a theme here with Bird & Blend saying nice things about certain astrologically grouped people. Virgos are selfless. Libras are balanced. Cancers are caring. Whereas we Aries, we’re just ‘fiery’. Fiery is not really a virtue, is it? It’s something you’d say about the worst person you know, probably as a euphemism for psychopathic.

Anyway, this rooibos blend is fine. And by fine, I mean drinkable. I wouldn’t be rushing to have a second cup. The rooibos and coconut make it palatable – and also rather reminiscent of the Aries blend.

I’m not sure what ashwagandha is bringing to the mix here taste-wise, but according to Dr Google, it relieves anxiety and improves sexual function in women. So that’s nice.

Libra Tea

Look, I didn’t set out to be overwhelmingly negative about the teas in this Zodiac collection. But then to be fair, I didn’t expect Bird & Blend to present me with something like this here Libra tea.

It’s probably my liquorice aversion coming to the fore, but honestly, I have no idea how a professional tea blender could sip this concoction of green and white tea, liquorice, lemongrass, cinnamon and rose petals and say, “Yep, that’s it. That’s what we’re looking for. Let’s put this on the market and sell it to actual people for actual money.”

It is utterly undrinkable. I’m not sure if it’s worse than the Taurus tea. (And happily, as I only have one tea bag for each blend, I’m spared the opportunity to do a side-by-side comparison.) But at least Taurus tea was upfront about the horribleness of its ingredients.

Libra tea contains actual, proper, honest-to-goodness tea! (And it’s got cinnamon and rose petals. Both of which make a delightful addition to a tea blend in other contexts.) Yet they have somehow combined them to make a drink so appalling that the only reason I can imagine people drinking it would be to win a bet.

I have five more Zodiac teas to try. I’m sure it’s going to get better than this. It has to.

Scorpio Tea

Oh, frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Raise high the roof beam, carpenters, and bring out the bunting.
After days of – quite frankly, unattractive – whining about the teas in this collection, I have at last come to a Bird & Blend Zodiac Tea that I really, really liked.

Scorpio tea is a blend of Darjeeling, Sri Lankan black tea, passionfruit and cornflowers. And it’s lovely. The florally, citrussy, raspberry-esque flavours of the passionfruit combine beautifully with the black teas and produce something that is sturdy and robust, and also light and refreshing at the same time.

I drank it without milk to be on the safe side, but if I had it again (and there’s a very good chance that I may purchase more of this for future consumption) then I would definitely try adding a splash of milk to see what happens.

It’s probably no coincidence that the first Zodiac tea that I’ve properly enjoyed is also the first black tea I’ve come to. I was getting slightly annoyed that I had to wait all the way to the eighth sign of the zodiac to get a black tea (and now there’s going to be a run of them for the next couple of teas.)

My annoyance was entirely unjustified of course. Bird & Blend haven’t designed these teas to be drunk one after the other in astrological order. I may in fact be the only one who’s actually doing it that way.

No matter. This fruity black blend was a lot of fun. My sun may be in Aries, but my tea preferences seem to be firmly in Scorpio.

Sagittarius Tea

I know I was all excited about Scorpio tea, but would you believe me if I told you that Sagittarius tea is even better? (I hope so because I am just about to tell you that exact thing and it will be a bit awkward if you assume I’m fibbing.)

Of course, your personal experience of Sagittarius tea is going to wholly depend on how you feel about coffee beans in your tea blends. Personally, I’m all for it. Sure, the first time I ever tried a cofftea blend I was perplexed and possibly even a bit angry. But I now welcome coffee beans in my tea like old friends.

Sagittarius blend consists of Sri Lankan black tea, apple, coffee beans and rosehip and it makes for a deliciously rich and creamy beverage, I can tell you. I had it with milk (or, at least, a bean-based milk substitute) and I think that was absolutely the right choice. In fact, you could probably go a bit crazy with the milk and make some kind of latte-type thingummy if that’s your jam. I think Sagittarius tea would rather enjoy it.

And while I’m happy to see coffee beans in my tea bag, I’m also pleased to report that they absolutely know their place here. They are not upstaging the black tea at all. This is very much a tea’s tea and the coffee beans just play a very welcome supporting role.

Like the previous tea, I can absolutely see myself purchasing more of this tea and drinking it for fun and pleasure. This is not something I can say about all the blends in this collection.

Capricorn Tea

This tea was a bit of a puzzler. By rights, I shouldn’t like it because it has liquorice in it. And I’m a firm believer that liquorice has no business being in tea blends and there ought to be some sort of law prohibiting it.

Except bizarrely, I’ve always made an exception for Bird & Blend’s Chocolate Digestives tea, which has liquorice in it and is also very, very nice. I have no idea why this should be the case. The cognitive dissonance is strong with that blend.

Well, here’s the interesting thing about this Capricornian blend of Sri Lankan black tea, liquorice cardamom and flavourings. It tastes a lot like Chocolate Digestives tea. Except without the chocolate obviously. It’s like a chocolate-less chocolate digestive, if you can imagine such a crazy concept.

(Hey, biscuit manufacturers! You should try making those. All I ask for is credit for the idea on every single chocolate-less chocolate digestive packet in perpetuity.)

So there you go. I wasn’t expecting to enjoy Capricorn tea, but I rather did. In fact, if I’d had some kind of suitable biscuit to hand, I would have probably dunked it in it.

Aquarius Tea

This tea has lemon in it. You’ll know that straightaway, not just because it has lemon peel listed in the ingredients (alongside Chinese Chunmee green tea, sprinkles and natural flavourings) but because your first reaction upon sipping this brew will likely be “Woah! Lemon!”

It really is very, very lemony. Too much so, in fact. And I say that as a big fan of lemons who fishes lemon slices out of my drinks in pubs and munches them as a little snack. The website describes Aquarius tea as ‘zesty’, but I think ‘sour’ would be closer to the mark.

I presume the sprinkles are there to counteract the lemoniness (they’re not doing much aesthetically), but they’re not really enough for the task. So I did something I never normally do with tea. I added a bit of sugar.

And actually, that did calm the whole thing down a bit. The tea was still super lemony, but once I wasn’t preoccupied with the sourness, I could focus on the really-very-nice green tea part of the beverage.

I wouldn’t write this tea off. I’d happily give it another go and experiment with different brew times and suchlike because a green tea and lemon blend is the sort of thing that hits the spot when you’re in the mood for something light and refreshing. But thus far, I wouldn’t say my experience with Aquarius tea was an unqualified success.

Maybe Bird & Blend intended this one to be drunk cold. They’re into that sort of thing. Perhaps the in-house astrologers advised them that “eclectic and eccentric” Aquarians are particularly fond of a sparkly cold brew.

Pisces Tea

We’re ending on a whimper, not a bang here. Pisces tea is a chamomile blend and I don’t like chamomile. I honestly don’t have anything to say about it. It’s got chamomile, cinnamon, ginger, cardamom, cloves and mallow flowers. I didn’t really notice the spices because it tastes hugely and overwhelmingly of chamomile. Because that’s what it is.

Maybe if you’ll like it if you’re into chamomile. Maybe all Pisceans are really into flowers that look like daisies and taste like wee. But I – as I may have mentioned – am not a fan.

So, what have I learned from trying all Bird & Blend’s Teas of the Zodiac one after the other? Look, I love Bird & Blend. They’re one of my favourite teamongers. I could happily while away a zombie apocalypse in a Bird & Blend tea shop, provided I had a water supply and something to heat it with.

But maybe I should step away from reviewing Bird & Blend collections like this one. It’s like doing their Advent Calendar. It becomes an exercise in realising how many of their tea blends I don’t actually like. I do feel bad about how many of my zodiac tea reviews were downright disparaging. But, happily, I did encounter a few teas that I would be happy to revisit.

Here it is, the final Tea Fancier Ranking for Bird & Blend’s Teas of the Zodiac from ‘really rather nice’ to ‘utterly undrinkabe’:

1. Sagittarius (black tea and coffee)
2. Scorpio (black tea and passionfruit)
3. Capricorn (black tea, liquorice and the spirit of digestive biscuits)
4. Aquarius (green tea and a whole load of lemon)
5. Leo (fruity nonsense with a ton of chilli and orange)
6. Gemini (fruity milk oolong)
7. Aries (rooibos, coconut & chilli)
8. Cancer (perfunctory rooibos)
9. Virgo (rooibos, turmeric and ashwagandha)
10. Pisces (chamomile ‘n’ stuff)
11. Taurus (dandelions, nettles and broken dreams)
12. Libra (green tea, liquorice, and a load of mismatching stuff that may have fallen in by accident)

I like to give credit for my feautured books, and this post’s witchy selection included Magical Herbalism by Scott Cunningham, Herbs in Magic & Alchemy by C L Zalewski, Spellbound: Magic, Ritual and Witchcraft by Sophie Page, The Tarot by Alfred Douglas, the apparently authorless Understanding Astrology from Octopus Books, Virgins: A Cultural History by Anke Bernay, The Occult, Witchcraft and Magic by Christopher Dell and The Wordsworth Book of Spells by Arthur Edward Waite.

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